Welcome to another mildly embarrassing blog post. You may recall my post about the secret love letter I sent to my crush with unfavorable results. Not one to get the hint, I decided to try subtlety again my freshman year of college. I had a crush on a boy who frequently visited my building. I’m going to call him Jake.
Jake was a tall, athletic guy with light brown hair and terrific green eyes. He had an easy-going personality that made me feel like he would be excellent boyfriend material. I decided that I would try my hand at attracting him.
Telling him I liked him was far too bold for me; his smile made me shy. I didn’t have any casual dresses or feminine blouses, and I realized it might look strange if I strolled around in my prom dress—so seduction through the use of alluring garments was out of the question. I couldn’t speak in front of him either so the chances of attracting him with my charm and wit were slim. I racked my brain searching for a solution to this dilemma. How did one attract a mate without visual or verbal enhancement?
I threw myself on my bed and sighed, burying my face into my pillow. This task I had set before myself was impossible. I lifted my head and stared off into space, wishing I didn’t have the ruler-straight frame of a 12 year old boy. A delicate sparkle on my dresser suddenly caught my eye. My perfume bottle glimmered gently in the sunlight streaming in through my open window.
That was it! I would seduce him through smell! My perfume would caress his nostrils with all of the tenderness that I longed to use on his athletic body. He would fall in love with my scent and thus me. It was the perfect plan. Romance novels were forever emphasizing the effect of smell upon a man’s desire.
I grabbed the bottle and sprayed myself several times, the mist visible in the rays of sunlight illuminating my room. I sprayed behind both ears, the spot where my pulse throbbed at my wrists, and two final squirts into my meager cleavage. For good measure, I grabbed my pillow and doused it well. The fabric eagerly soaked in the aroma. This was a foolproof plan; I smelled like heaven itself, angel wings and sunshine.
I exited my dorm room, pillow in tow, and headed for the common area where I had seen him earlier. He was still there, lounging in a pale purple armchair with his legs thrown carelessly over the side. I settled onto the closest couch after murmuring a soft greeting. Any minute now my plan would begin working.
Then there was movement; he looked around the room searching for something. Yes! This was it! He would look at me as if with new eyes and fulfill my fantasy. My plan was working and he was about to announce that he wished to be my paramour! I tried to look nonchalant and cool, waiting to hear the words I longed for.
“Man, what REEKS?” Jake inquired of the room at large. A girl studying at a table nearby giggled as everyone started sniffing the air for the source of the intense odor.
My heart sank below the floorboards and into the dirt. My face turned a mottled red as I realized how silly my scheme had been. Now anxious to escape the situation without being detected as a brainless girl who bathed in perfume, I made a show of sniffing my pillow.
“Oh, it’s my pillow.” I murmured uncomfortably trying to maintain my cool. “My little sister must have sprayed it with her perfume before I left home last weekend.” Desperately hoping that this paper-thin lie would hold up to inspection, I got up to leave.
Jake sniffed the air disgustedly once more. “Well that is godawful.”
I left the great room and hurried back to my dorm. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I aggressively scrubbed the perfume from my body, trying to purge myself of failure and embarrassment simultaneously. I tossed the translucent perfume bottle angrily into my armoire beneath a pile of dirty clothes. How could I have been so foolish?
Two days later Jake proclaimed his adoration of my next door neighbor and drunkenly made out with her at a party. I never tried to seduce another boy through the use of perfume again.